Monday, December 17, 2007

Oh, and...

The other most important news since we've been away -


Best. Film. Ever.

Is all.


Roger & James

Normal Service is Being Resumed

So. Roger and James have been off the interweb for a while now.

But fear not!

Roger and James lives again. Oh yes.

What we have been doing since the premature demise of R&J:

  • James has become a real published blogger and writes about real stuff that real grown ups want him to write about and gets paid real money or magic beans or something for doing it. Get him.
  • Roger is still at the same desk, overordering stationery and generally baffling the theatregoing populace.
  • James is apparently Uber Connected now. I will let him explain.
  • Roger has a NewMan, who will henceforth be known as Boy, as he doesn't count as a grown up. Which is good. He has yet to build her a TARDIS though. Which is not so good.
  • Both Roger and James spent most of the last year waiting for a truly decent game to come out on the Wii, then Mario Galaxy turned up and made them even more smug just in time for Christmas. And no, we will not sell you our consoles, all you foolish grown-ups who laughed at us this time last year.
  • Roger has become obsessed with LOLcats, about a year after everyone else. Come on, they're cats with bad grammar, doing funny things, what's not to like? No?

Roll on 2008.



It's been a while...

But I had to blog this...
A conversation between our hero, (that'll be me) and a tall, dark and very beautiful 'Persian' woman.

Please note - this conversation happened at the beginning of a recent Christmas party and no alcohol had yet to be consumed. The music however was loud. And at this point, I did not know she was from Persia.

Me: Hi there, what's your name?
Persian: Memememem.

Me: Pardon?
Persian: Mammyamem

Me: I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. The music. It's very loud. Did you say Marian?
Persian: Marian.

Me: Marian.
Persian: Nooooooo. Maryam.

Me: As in 'Marry-AM'?
Persian: Yes. That's it.

I put one index finger on my nose and point straight at her with my other index finger in the universal sign for 'You knows it' as taken from such games as 'Give us a clue' and 'Charades'.

Persian: Yes. I know. I'm from Persia.
Me: Pardon?

Persian: My nose. You pointed it out. Yes. It's my Persian nose.
Me: You're from Persia?

What follows is a quick guide on 'What not to say when you meet a Persian':

Persian: Yes.
Me: Cooooooooooooooooool! I have a rug! *wink-wink - nudge-nudge"

Persian: Oh yes. Very good.
Me: No no. Seriously, Prince of Persia is one of my favourite games...


Persian: I'm sorry?
Me: Um... Nothing!

So - there you have it -

When trying to get friendly with gorgeous Persian women. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT congratulate them on Prince of Persia.



Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Ooh, chimpanzee that!

In Monkey News Today:

An individual known only as "Monkey" was today caught in the act of the attempted murder of a newcomer. Witnesses believe it was prompted by a jealous rage.

Luckily, passers by managed to rescue Mini Monkey before any serious harm was done. Mini Monkey escaped soggy and shaken, but otherwise unscathed.

Monkey has maintained a stony silence since the incident, prompting his carers to fear a repetition of the attack. Mini Monkey has therefore been relocated to a safe shelf in the kitchen. He was too shocked to speak to reporters, but seems happier now he is closer to the box of tea in which he was found - presumably a stowaway from an Indian tea plantation.

Roger, reporting for Monkey News, London.

In other news: I have so much bloody tea at home now it's frankly ridiculous. Bloomin' promotions...



Friday, March 02, 2007

Better safe than sorry

Yesterday at work I was asked to order, amongst other things, two large rolls of bubble wrap, for the technicians who need to post a few things. So I phoned the packaging people and said, fairly sensibly, I think, "Two large rolls of bubble wrap please".

Today they arrived.

I have never seen so much bubble wrap in one place before. I mean, look at it. It reaches the ceiling. If you don't believe how big these rolls are, check out the people on the left hand side of the photo. Unlike Father Dougal's cows, they are not far away, just very small compared to the bubblewrap behemoth. I checked the dimensions and did the maths. There's 500 square metres there. Imagine what you could do with 500 square metres of bubble wrap. No really, imagine. What scares me most is that they had several sizes above this. What the hell are people doing with it? Wrapping houses? Space shuttles? Keeping the pyramids safe as they transport them whole to the British Museum?

God knows where I'm going to put it.

This is worse than the Great Post-it Overorder of 2003. At least they were easier to hide.



Monday, January 15, 2007

A Telling Off

Today I got a telling off. Not from a Grownup.
Oh no.

But from Roger.

Roger and I are friends.
We have found each other in a weird way - But found each other we have.

Anywhoo - of late I have not been interacting with too many Grownups.
I find them boring.

More often than not - they don't seem to get what I'm talking about.

So more and more I've been seeking out (and hanging out with) people more like Roger and Me.

Because of this - situations just have not been occurring which I can report to 'Why Don't Grownups Get it?'.
I am working on it - but this kind of thing needs to happen naturally.

So Roger - I'm sorry.
Must try harder.
I will make sure I find myself around more Grownups more often,
(although how on Earth I'm supposed to beat the 'Aga Khan' situation I have no idea),
...but I AM working on it.

I promise.



Sometimes I feel like the grown-up

Last night Blue Planet was on telly and had lobsters on it. "Seen it" I declared...but then wondered aloud on whether I had in fact seen this particular programme or just some other one with lobsters on. After all, lobsters don't have a very varied repertoire.

This is not the story. If I left it there, I admit, this entry would be very dull.

No, next I pondered as to whether, with all the wildlife programmes out there, I would ever again watch one and go "Wow, I've never seen that animal before". The following conversation ensued:

MAN: Yeah, that can happen. I mean, I once encountered someone who'd never seen a duck billed platypus before.
ME: What, like, not even a picture? Was it a small child?
MAN: No, it was a girl I went out with.
ME: Did you get her off the sunshine bus?
MAN (slightly grumpily): No. She was very bright. She was a journalist.
ME: But she's never seen a platypus? EVERYONE knows what a platypus is.
MAN: Not her. And when I showed her a picture on the web she refused to believe it and said I'd made it up.
ME: So, what you're saying is that you went out with a girl who (whilst presumably able to perform basic functions unaided), didn't actually believe in the duck billed platypus?

There is a pause. Man looks slightly grumpy at my insulting of the intelligence of his ex. Then - and I SWEAR this is true - he comes up with the punchline...

MAN: Be fair, she was Canadian. They don't have platypuses out there.

Right, yes, because you can't move for the little furry beaked buggers in the Home Counties.