Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Jeezy Creezy

Sitting there, minding my own business on the tube this morning.

Lady next to me taps me on the shoulder. I go through the mental checks – iPod’s not too loud, paper’s not in her face, haven’t put my bag on her foot…what does she want?

“Excuse me” she says, “are you a Christian?”.

I am very polite, as one always should be when dealing with those less fortunate than oneself. I do not tell her that in fact I am probably the least Christian person on the carriage, and that I think God is on a par with the Loch Ness monster, but less likely to be real. I just smile, like you would to a small - yet potentially dangerous - child, and say “No, I’m afraid not”.

“Oh”, says the nutter (for so she has proved herself to be), “I have this overwhelming feeling that God has a message for you”

“Really” I smile. Again, I do not say “Isn’t he a bit too busy to be making personal calls? Have you checked it is the right number?”

“Yes. He wants you to know that he will soon be taking you out of this situation that you are in, and that you should feel comfort from that. You will soon be free”.

“Oh. Um. Thanks”.

And she beams at me. (As in a big smile. Not, like, a great beam of celestial light. Cos then maybe I would have been more impressed with the Heavenly Postal Service).

Now. Is it just me, or is that possibly the least comforting thing a nutter on the tube could say? I know I don't look that great in the morning, but I'm pretty sure I don't come off as some sort of crack addict or beaten wife or anything. I have no obvious situations I want to be freed from. I'm really rather happy with my lot at the moment, as it happens.

"You will soon be free". Come on, that's just God doing Mafia speak.

So now I'm just looking over my shoulder for thunderbolts. And I'm going to avoid crossing the road today. Just in case.

Bloody God-botherers.