Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Ooh, chimpanzee that!

In Monkey News Today:

An individual known only as "Monkey" was today caught in the act of the attempted murder of a newcomer. Witnesses believe it was prompted by a jealous rage.

Luckily, passers by managed to rescue Mini Monkey before any serious harm was done. Mini Monkey escaped soggy and shaken, but otherwise unscathed.

Monkey has maintained a stony silence since the incident, prompting his carers to fear a repetition of the attack. Mini Monkey has therefore been relocated to a safe shelf in the kitchen. He was too shocked to speak to reporters, but seems happier now he is closer to the box of tea in which he was found - presumably a stowaway from an Indian tea plantation.

Roger, reporting for Monkey News, London.

In other news: I have so much bloody tea at home now it's frankly ridiculous. Bloomin' promotions...



Friday, March 02, 2007

Better safe than sorry

Yesterday at work I was asked to order, amongst other things, two large rolls of bubble wrap, for the technicians who need to post a few things. So I phoned the packaging people and said, fairly sensibly, I think, "Two large rolls of bubble wrap please".

Today they arrived.

I have never seen so much bubble wrap in one place before. I mean, look at it. It reaches the ceiling. If you don't believe how big these rolls are, check out the people on the left hand side of the photo. Unlike Father Dougal's cows, they are not far away, just very small compared to the bubblewrap behemoth. I checked the dimensions and did the maths. There's 500 square metres there. Imagine what you could do with 500 square metres of bubble wrap. No really, imagine. What scares me most is that they had several sizes above this. What the hell are people doing with it? Wrapping houses? Space shuttles? Keeping the pyramids safe as they transport them whole to the British Museum?

God knows where I'm going to put it.

This is worse than the Great Post-it Overorder of 2003. At least they were easier to hide.